I want to be loved and praised… And I don’t want to tell you

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I feel I am in a bind.  It’s been this way a while and I am ready to do something different.  On the one hand I feel that I can’t share my gifts with you because you won’t get them.  On the other hand I feel like you aren’t worthy of what I have to offer.  Basically, I am feeling greedy and unwilling to share that I am learning to work with you in you pain and joy – light and darkness.

I must overcome my terror at feeling even the smallest tinge of criticism.  Yet, I have a habit of not asking for help.  I don’t share myself with you and I remain safe (sort of) and alone.  But, I feel that I need to share my desire to contribute.  That I have worked to develop a collection of healing tools – Light Expression Essences with a group of other dedicated people who know they have issues to clean up and keep working week in and week out.  And… they work really well, aren’t stagnant and keep me moving forward to despite the inner challenges I just described.

The fears I feel sound kind of like this, “if I let you take care of me then who will be taking care of you and the others.”  My perceptions of grandiosity are such that I sense if I don’t give myself to you than something horrible, dreadful, and irreversible will take place.  All from letting go of care giving so that I can receive.  The truth that nobody can give all the time is seen as having little importance in my mind.  Not to mention the budding realization that maybe if I let someone help me, this will benefit them too!

My intention for 2016 is to share with the world my gifts.  This will allow me to experience how they are received and then make adjustments.  Frankly, I am so tired of feeling like whatever I am doing needs to be better, deeper, more helpful than the next modality, method, or approach.  I do want to make a contribution.  I do want to be recognized.  I do want to get your feedback.  Ultimately, I am willing to feel my immaturity and grow through it into the unknown to offer more of myself.

Here is a vision board I made on New Year’s Day with my mother.  I am now making a commitment to trust again and again in the ability that the world as individuals and a community can offer ourself honesty, care, and leaps in new directions in 2016.  I am excited to share this journey with you all!

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